i still sing at karaoke bars (or at least, one in particular)
fairly often. there's something that it lets me get out, or
maybe that it let's me tap inside myself that i need more than
just as part of some mating ritual (for which i do not need it).
something in my song choices, though, bothers me. i identify
myself as an atheist. even though i take a great deal from
being in nature, and could thus be identified as a naturalist,
i don't see a need for anything bigger than nature -- it works
well enough on its own. so i've started wondering what i'm
doing when i keep picking these songs with theistic, even
christian, undertones.
i'm certainly not missing anything. i grew up with a lot of
exposure to both catholicism (i was confirmed) and fundamentalist
christianity. i used to memorize sections of the king james version.
after wondering hard enough if that was what there was to that
element of the universe, i taught myself about buddhism and taoism.
at one point, when i was very manic, i thought i could go back --
i thought i really got the whole spiritual side of things. the
idea of "son of god" made perfect sense to me in my mania.
i know what i'm not missing.
these are strings to pull, nothing more. for me, the only
attachment the strings have are the ability to conjure emotions,
either in myself or in whomever is listening. there is nothing
spiritual to which they are attached in me. emotional, yes;
spiritual, no. it's easy to bring that much emotion to the
surface in songs like these, but it is an act. and it's an
enjoyable act -- i guess that's why i repeat it.
it's amazing what being able to reach into these strings can
do. we have a re-elected cretin in the white house because
these strings are so easy to play in people who want to identify
themselves as christian (without thinking what warmongering or
extreme greed would mean to their messiah). it's easy to
keep these emotional strings in this society, and feel it gives
you a reason to reject scientific thought or reject gays
with such vehemence. it's really sickening how easy it is.
personally, i've been working long and hard to cut them.
cut them all, and only play the ones i want, when i want,
carefully. had i mentioned before how it felt to be so
manipulated in my starter marriage? to the point that i
wouldn't even know it was happening, or would internalize
it as my own will? it's so easy to let these strings reach
in so deeply, but to what purpose?
so i will continue to sing "bring him home" from les
miserables or songs by live, but it will continue to be
nothing but a feeling i am trying to evoke, or to invoke.
do not attach that feeling to anything other than the
song itself, as i do not. or go ahead and do so, but why
do you cloud yourself so? why do let yourself get so
tangled up?
