i'd helped a friend move into his house today. when i got home
from this, i felt i needed a bath. hmmmm... something to read...
something to read while i soak... Callahan's Crosstime Saloon!
and the story of how i came to have this book took over my mind,
just before i dropped it in the fucking tub.
her name was gillian, and in retrospect, she was another sign as to
why i should have gotten out of my relationship with emilie much
sooner. during my sophomore year of college, i went to boston over
fall and spring breaks to visit friends there. i -love- boston.
old, largely academic town. decent public transportation. inspiring
arts scene.
and some place emilie didn't want me to go. i don't know if it was
because i was away from her, or what. she tolerated my fall break
visit, but had cast a real pall over my spring break one. i guess
we had established our "normal" relationship routine by this point.
cut back to visiting my friend eric. we went to see fantasia at,
i think, boston's oldest theater. and one night we were hanging
out with this group of friends of his, including gillian. she was
one of those instantconnect people, and all i could do was repress
my emotional reaction. we sang together as we walked down comm.
ave. that was cool. i can't really remember singing with anyone
since. selections from les miz. we talked a lot. too much,
considering i was getting up way early to curtail my trip
for sake of the emilie. i can't remember what all we ranged over,
but i know she gave me her copy of spider robinson's "callahan's
crosstime saloon". i know that copy is now drying out in the
bathroom.
this turned into my first cyber relationship. we'd exchanged a
bunch of very warm, flirtatious emails. after a couple of months,
they trailed off, as we realized we couldn't take these feelings
anywhere because of mutual involvements.
i guess i wonder what would've happenned if i hadn't already closed
out the whole world at the despotic insistence of someone i had
a relationship with. that trip to boston was the last time i went
anywhere by myself until our separation in 1996. and then, outside
of separation, until nincon 2000. even before she was diagnosed
with manic depression, she made sure i was phase locked with her,
travelwise. and i don't think it was just the "we should do every
thing together" bit she presented. because i know that's wrong,
and a good way to end up very fucked in the head. was she afraid
of the gillians out there? probably. because it's the first thing
she tried to hit me with when i got back. "oh, i considered us
broken up, so i hooked up with so-and-so." this was nearly always
her method of control.
all i know is, i need to keep my eyes open for this kind of petty
behavior better the next time around.
