for those of you who are hitting this page through searches on the
word "pseudopodia" and/or through forums on the e-zine bust,
random
(and not so random) comments are always welcome. sorry i don't
have a guestbook. i'd probably obsess over checking it, and since
i already do that with e-mail, i'll keep things focused on one
mechanism of obsession. also, feel free to explore
the rest of the site.
i'm on the brink of so many changes. so much morphing. it's wonderful.
i want part of me to be scared shitless, just so i feel a little normal
about this, but i can't evoke it. i'm looking forward, i'm moving in that
direction, and i'm ready to embrace whatever is thrown my way because
of that motion. part of it is the arrow of time, carrying me along,
whisking entropy my way. but part of it feels controlled. so i surf the
first part, and i enjoy the game of the second part. move this piece
of my life here, then see how things react. great, the image of marshall,
will and holly in land of the lost playing with the stones in the
pylons flashed through my mind. and in a way, i am moving my world as
i move these glowing mental stones.
there's one change i've commented on to a few people, but i have to make
note of here. after all, this is my site, right? so spilling personal
tidbits and engaging in cyber-TMI is really what it's all about, right?
especially if i can cause a meltdown. actually, i don't know if this is
a TMI thing, though it definitely involves my libido. actually, when i
think about it, that's probably fine. what's gone away is a neediness,
and i don't know how. i'm just glad it's gone, because it was a damn
uncomfortable pressure to live with.
ever since i hit puberty, i've felt like i've had to be in a relationship.
like something was seriously amiss if i wasn't. last weekend i was in LAX.
i was walking toward my gate. after the whole paying attention to dropping
off the rental car/getting through security, my mind was clear. just
thinking about the flight, pretty much putting the brain on drift mode.
and it hit me. something was missing. was definitely different. was
calmer. satisfied, in a way. i looked around my mind to see what was up
(imagine captain caveman going through his fur). i no longer felt that
pressure. that annoying, slightly predatory pressure that never allowed
me to just enjoy the company of any woman i was with when i was not in
a relationship. it's like the boil of what was left of getting out of an
8 year marriage gone bad (understatement: my health improved so dramatically
after my ex-wife left that i've been able to drop some of the medications
i have to take) settling down to a simmer. i hope i'm not jinxing myself
by repeating this like this, because after all that pressure for all that
time, this is -really- pleasant. and i no longer feel this wannabe
pushy jerk trying to get to the surface when i'm around someone i find
attractive.
*exhale*
and i have to wonder, did this compulsion to seek a companion on a romantic
level manifest itself as a fear of ending my marriage with my ex? i mean,
we'd been in a bad way for years before things finally got pushed too far.
what was i afraid of? i realize some of it was pity. some of it was
coercion on her part. some of it was getting occassional glimpses of when
things used to be good, and using those infrequent islands as excuses to
hold on. but i think a good deal of it was fear. and i think a fair bit
of that came from this little voice that's now silent.
i feel so much better. the other changes will be so much easier now that
i'm not facing that nagging jiminy-cricket-with-a-hardon (okay -- i'll be
fair to the departed voice -- it wasn't all about sex -- part of it was
a need to be *that* important in someone else's life). i'll move. i'll
move to where i want to live. i'll be with people i want to be with.
and i won't be such a jumpy freak when it comes to relationships.
is the passion still there? the fierce attraction to a woman who catches
my mind on the right level? hell yeah! but now i can enjoy it for what it
is, instead of having that voice try to spin it into something else that
it is not supposed to be. or that it will take time to reveal properly.
ah, to take time. to stop and smell the jasmine. to let the fragrances
and aromas that life offers fill me, rather than me just getting a whiff
and being falsely convinced that that's all there is.
