there are no foregone conclusions.
we do not live in a deterministic universe.
all the weight that may seem to be driving one course of action
into the future could disappear in an instant.
or it won't. but we won't know. and we move forward, half-blind.
when i was around 20 and in college, i thought i knew where my
sheer will could propel me to. grad school, ph.d.,
professorship. life with emilie, and making it work, no matter
what. it all seemed on track. i put it on track, and i could keep
it there and moving ahead. all i had to do was want it to happen.
right?
no, sorry. and it was so intricately tied together, so tightly
woven in this little package that was me, that all it took was
for one thread to start to come undone. then, i got to watch the
whole thing unravel. i got to try to justify to myself that i
didn't want that package anymore. though that's not true -- only
parts of it didn't fit. now that it's completely disassembled,
it's easier to see what i should try rebuilding it with.
but if you had tried to tell me 10 years ago that this is what
i'd now be looking at, i wouldn't have believed you. there's no
way i would have thought you were talking about me.
am i the same me?
was it arrogance? overly optimistic and naive youth? probably
all of these, yes. but now i can rebuild. but i need to do it
slowly. carefully. i know where i want to start, if only i
could get there. that's the one thing i know. everything else
feels so wide open, i feel like a spacewalker who got separated
from the iss and is now adrift. and i guess i have myself worried.
and i seem to have worried some people around me.
but there are no forgone conclusions. i know which coast i want
to land on. what works out from there, we'll see. we'll see...
