i've been meaning to do an overhaul of this site with flash
and at least some post-1997 html doodads, but that ol' bugger,
mr. time, hasn't found me with a chance to accomplish that yet.
i suppose i'll just feed ye olde format in the meantime.
on-line communities are strange things. blog this, e-mail that,
aye emm the other, and bits and pieces leak out to the public. stranger
still are the real ties and broken ties that this electronic
interplay inspires. currently, it seems to be a time of especially
elevated strife, during which i am extremely grateful for the
few clear, logical and carefully directed missives that i find in
the communities and services i frequent. i'm fortunate to know at least a
smattering of people who have an excellent talent for exposing the heart
of a matter in their writing. for their sanity and forthrightness
at times like this, i am thankful.
these are also times that make me painfully aware of some
idiosyncracies, even hypocricies, that make me want to whittle
my on-line contacts down to those few who have demonstrated the
qualities i mention above. yes, it's building a cocoon of sorts,
but i realize with the amount of energy that is required for my graduate
program and my real-life relationships that there is very little
left over for the swirling messes of drama that are rather
marginal to my existence. i don't like that i have to ration
my attentions, but it is the nature of my personal psychological
preservation -- daresay i, even the nature of life.
everyone shows more than one face at a time. everyone, at some
point has "talked like this and acted like that." we all embody
contradictions of some sort. when someone feels the need to slap
aside my extension of friendship, of strong feelings of finding
value in them, i wonder why i fall into this bizarre trap as well.
i also wonder why i feel a need to be a friendship superman at times
and carry so many people's inherent self-contradictions in my mind
and heart. or maybe i've actually stopped in some cases, and this
rambling is just my realizing that. part of me wants to make a
large cyber-cut based on the picture of reality that is becoming
clearer to me. there are those who are with me in the inner circle
who are essentially family, and then i scan into the distance
looking across the boundaries of circles that make up a different
hell of sorts -- the hell of keeping up appearances, and how that
intensifies the further i look into the distance.
